Perception of Time

Here's one from when I was 14. I always wanted to be a writer. Thank God I didn't make it.
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SPECIAL REPORTS PRESENTS:
PERCEPTION OF TIME, UNWINDING THE HIDDEN MONKEYS
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WARNING: This report has been written for a mature, broad minded audience. Young children and others who may be offended should leave the room and bury themselves in mushy cornflakes. Thank you. The Management.

Good evening, I'm your author and host for this evening. As you already know, the title of this report is "Perception of Time, Unwinding the Hidden Monkeys."
It was created in a room quite unlike the one you are now sitting in. Sophisticated equipment surrounds me, there are many people hustling and bustling about, trying to gather more information on the location of the hidden monkeys. The report is basically divided into two parts, but without one, you can't have the other. If we were to start the first half of this report saying it was on "Perception of Time" alone, while we saved "Unwinding the Hidden Monkeys" for the last half of the report would be impossible to complete. Both parts go hand in hand.

Let's start this report.

Perception of time is one of the most controversial issues of our time, but then again so are the alleged "Hidden Monkeys" of Washington D.C. In Washington a few months ago a panel met and discussed the perception issue. It was found that in the U.S. alone last year over 13 million dollars were lost because of people's inadequate perception of time. Washington proposed a multibillion scheme to have "perception meters" installed in everyone's brain over 18. People were bribed into letting the government plant meters into their brains, others were "kidnapped," were injected with a serum so they would not remember having meters installed, then released. It was working out fine (for the government) until they were discovered. Court battles, assassinations, riots, were all the consequences of this insult to American freedom.
But this wasn't the half of it. The "monkeys" as the meters were now being called, started having severe side effects come to the surface. This was from lack of testing. The machines had a synthesizer in them that was not properly insulated. This caused many of the meters to overheat, causing the "burning out" and subsequent death of the person the meter had been placed in. One of America's most vocal consumer protectors spoke to the American people over national television one night, urging everyone to write their congressman, urging him to do something about this massive crime. We are not speaking of the volunteers, the kidnapped are who we are concerned about. Some of the people that went in reportedly never came out. After all this confirmed evidence has been found, no one in the government will admit to doing it or knowing anything about it.
A massive plan is now going on to save the rest of the people with meters. They have been told the situation, and are pouring into the removing offices. After they have been removed, the meters must then be unwound. This is the only way to insure maximum protection from them exploding in the storage vaults. These meters are reportedly just as dangerous as TNT. And to think they were inside peoples skulls. Our present administration should be locked up, we should elect new officials. Only the will this kind of scandal come to an end.

[Editorial note: I was 14 when I wrote this. Give me a break]