Here's a tulip. 

Perception of Time

Here's one from when I was 14. I always wanted to be a writer. Thank God I didn't make it.
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SPECIAL REPORTS PRESENTS:
PERCEPTION OF TIME, UNWINDING THE HIDDEN MONKEYS
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WARNING: This report has been written for a mature, broad minded audience. Young children and others who may be offended should leave the room and bury themselves in mushy cornflakes. Thank you. The Management.

Good evening, I'm your author and host for this evening. As you already know, the title of this report is "Perception of Time, Unwinding the Hidden Monkeys."
It was created in a room quite unlike the one you are now sitting in. Sophisticated equipment surrounds me, there are many people hustling and bustling about, trying to gather more information on the location of the hidden monkeys. The report is basically divided into two parts, but without one, you can't have the other. If we were to start the first half of this report saying it was on "Perception of Time" alone, while we saved "Unwinding the Hidden Monkeys" for the last half of the report would be impossible to complete. Both parts go hand in hand.

Let's start this report.

Perception of time is one of the most controversial issues of our time, but then again so are the alleged "Hidden Monkeys" of Washington D.C. In Washington a few months ago a panel met and discussed the perception issue. It was found that in the U.S. alone last year over 13 million dollars were lost because of people's inadequate perception of time. Washington proposed a multibillion scheme to have "perception meters" installed in everyone's brain over 18. People were bribed into letting the government plant meters into their brains, others were "kidnapped," were injected with a serum so they would not remember having meters installed, then released. It was working out fine (for the government) until they were discovered. Court battles, assassinations, riots, were all the consequences of this insult to American freedom.
But this wasn't the half of it. The "monkeys" as the meters were now being called, started having severe side effects come to the surface. This was from lack of testing. The machines had a synthesizer in them that was not properly insulated. This caused many of the meters to overheat, causing the "burning out" and subsequent death of the person the meter had been placed in. One of America's most vocal consumer protectors spoke to the American people over national television one night, urging everyone to write their congressman, urging him to do something about this massive crime. We are not speaking of the volunteers, the kidnapped are who we are concerned about. Some of the people that went in reportedly never came out. After all this confirmed evidence has been found, no one in the government will admit to doing it or knowing anything about it.
A massive plan is now going on to save the rest of the people with meters. They have been told the situation, and are pouring into the removing offices. After they have been removed, the meters must then be unwound. This is the only way to insure maximum protection from them exploding in the storage vaults. These meters are reportedly just as dangerous as TNT. And to think they were inside peoples skulls. Our present administration should be locked up, we should elect new officials. Only the will this kind of scandal come to an end.

[Editorial note: I was 14 when I wrote this. Give me a break]

Oriental Philosophy Department

This is a reprint of something I wrote when I was about 12 years old. Don't hold it against me. Much of it is pretty childish, and silly.

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Question asked by Kwai Chiang Kane:
"Master, why do I have toes and never use them?"
Reply:
"Ah, Grasshopper, this is a very wise question you have asked. Do not the winds stir the meadow into a frenzy of dances and song? Do not the rats and monkeys scurry down the lane where there lurks hildegard sage hens, waspies and spooky things that dance in the night, only to be swallowed up in a Spanky & Our Gang Film Festival?
Walk among the rice patties, pick up a few broads, ponder your inner self and not that of a mere body. Suck rocks. Dance like a crazy monkey in the light of the moon, then return at morning only to discover that the flight of a gull has interupted your meaningless wanderings by disturbing the tranquility of your soul when he nipped at your nose. Read the Koans, find the sound of one hand, find the sounds of two feet, find the smell of gastric disurbances, wander in the woods, eat hickory nuts, eat a rickshaw, get barmitzvahed, take the band aids off your eyes, paint a picture of Kate, accept any name they call you, for this is what you truly are, and chew your ears. So. Do you understand?"

"No, Master."
"Then get off my back you squirrely eyed half breed!"
[that's a little off color, these days -- editor]

Golf in April

It's April here in Idaho, unlike most of the world where it has already moved into June. We're a little slow in Idaho, and we like to keep it that way (actually, only the Republicans do, but that's another story.)
So. You might think that with a reasonably good weather forecast (probability of rain at 70%, highs around 50, winds up to 25 MPH) it would be good. Not so fast.

As I opened the trunk of my car to remove my clubs, the wind whipped off my cap. 25 yards later I recovered it. I should have known to go home at that point.
Returning to my car, I put my mostly empty bottle of Aquafina on the ground and prepared to lift out my clubs and pushcart. 5 minutes later I had recovered my bottle of Aquafina which (although mostly empty) had been blown halfway across the parking lot. I'm sure it was amusing for onlookers: there goes a guy chasing a nearly empty bottle of water. He's actually stupid enough to chase it. Prison sentences for runaway water bottles are pretty steep in Idaho, but it's OK to get a DUI and run for governor.

I don't want to lead anyone on, thinking there is a point to this story. Suffice it to say that the day was windy, rain was threatening all the while, and golf was difficult at best. The highlight of my day was having two groundsquirrels, a skunk, and a rockchuck run up my pantlegs and try to build nests in my underwear; albeit on different holes and entirely fictitiously.

Bottom line is that it was windy as hell, cold, and somewhat damp. I wish I had an interesting story to tell about it.

I have some Mourning Doves nesting in my pine trees. I think this is the mom. They're not ordinarily this calm, but I think they understand that I'm not going to harm them. 

Tulips. I just love spring. 

Another bee pic. It's a shame that they are grainy. They're really not, honest. 

A bee on my Chinese plum bush 2 years ago. This spring's blossoms may not be so good. I have a few, but not many. We're in a drought here.