Questions Answered Here
As a public service, I've decided to begin a feature which I call "Ask Squirrel Boy." Here you can ask any question or questions that you may need answered, or that you just can't figure out the answer to. Kind of an "ask the expert" type forum, except I'm not really an expert on anything.
You can ask questions, and I'll provide answers. They may not be correct answers, but you'll have answers.
You can ask anything you like, from existential/philosophical type things, to physics, cooking, sports, weather, how to fix things, dining recommendations, you name it. If I don't know the answer (and trust me, I won't) I will make something up. Then you can use the answer and swear to it's validity because you read it on the internet: "Yes, it's true, I swear it! Kangaroos can live for 45 days underwater breathing only the air that they store in their pouches! I read it on the internet!"
And so forth.
You can ask questions, and I'll provide answers. They may not be correct answers, but you'll have answers.
You can ask anything you like, from existential/philosophical type things, to physics, cooking, sports, weather, how to fix things, dining recommendations, you name it. If I don't know the answer (and trust me, I won't) I will make something up. Then you can use the answer and swear to it's validity because you read it on the internet: "Yes, it's true, I swear it! Kangaroos can live for 45 days underwater breathing only the air that they store in their pouches! I read it on the internet!"
And so forth.
posted by Some Guy at 5:04 PM
11 Comments:
Dear Squirrel Boy,
Is it true that if a man asks for directions, his testicles will shrink?
No, Lorraine, that is an urban legend.
What happens is, when a man asks for directions, the Hippiemouse gland in his brain squeezes his bladder so tightly that he needs to pee immediately. This is why men don't ask directions. They don't want to wet themselves or others. It's a fact. You read it on the internet.
I should also note that in a study performed in 1966 at The University of Washington, Et Tu Brute in a "double blind" test it was shown that men's testicles actually enlarge when asking for directions, further exacerbating the problem with the urge to pee. The only mitigating fact was that those participants who were out of beer seemed to be able to overcome this and ask for directions to the nearest convenience store
It's a fact. You read it on the internet.
Thank you. Now I get it. Once, when I was with my ex-husband and we had been driving around for an hour looking for something, I finally convinced him to pull into a convenience store where I volunteered to get the directions. I walked into the store and announced to all assembled. "Can you please help me? My husband is afraid to ask for directions because it will compromise his masculinity, but we're lost."
I seem to remember that my marriage broke up soon afterward. If only I'd known about all of this. You could have saved my marriage, Squirrel Boy!
You were so helpful. I'm now compelled to ask another question.
Why does a small woodland creature need three names: woodchuck, gopher, groundhog? All I know is that their most common name in this part of the world is roadkill.
Dear Lorraine,
Well, you’ve brought up one of the great mysteries of life. I must confess that it took me a bit of time to research this question, but I believe I have what must be the definitive answer on this one.
The fact is (and remember, you read it here so it must be true) that woodchucks, gophers, and groundhogs are three totally separate and discrete species, and thus, require three names.
I don’t want to get too technical here, but woodchucks are part of the genus (latin term) “woodchuckius.” Gophers and groundhogs are members of the “gopherius” and “groundhogius” genuses, (or genie garage door opener), respectively. They are definitely NOT the same animal, so don’t let your friends, colleagues, or misguided acquaintances who spend way too much time in bars shooting pool and hollering loudly at television screens that are showing football games tell you any differently. No, these are the sort of people that don’t shave or shower unless they are forced to, and believe that cutting cheese has something to do with bodily functions. They may as well get a job under Karl Rove as some sort of insidious, mind numbing rat factory guru, dictating to the American people what to think, when to do it, and whom to vote for. They have no pride, no morals, no “family values.” They sleep with sheep and pigeons when convenient, and like to harm small children and their mothers. They are not to be trusted. NEVER leave a bar with them or go to their house for an “innocent cup of chai tea.” You’d be better off having Saddam Hussein’s cousin Ralph over for some childish tongue removal festivities. They have no soul, no direction in life; they hate anyone who isn’t related to them, and some who are. They like poking badgers and wolverines with sticks, and are just as likely to harm a duck as they are to kick an elderly nun when they find an opportunity! Don’t believe a word they say, and stay away from them as much as possible. Hide in your bathroom if necessary and call the Department of Homeland Security if they swing by your house with some hot biscuits and a bit of strawberry jam, trying to lure you into the lawn where they will surely, as day is light and night is dark, have their malicious, nefarious way with you!!
Anyway, I digress. They’re actually three different animals, or I think so, anyway.
Thanks for the question, and remember: you read it on the internet, so it must be true.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sorry SquirrelBoy. I think gophers, woodchucks, and groundhogs are the same animal. When they hold up Paxatanie (however the hell you spell that)Phil, he looks suspiciously like Woody Woodchuck who hangs around here. 'Course the other day, I saw a muskrat who also looked like a woodchuck, 'cept I don't think woodchucks can swim. And don't get me started on the beavers.
You may be right about the man-direction thing, but I think you've stated something that's categorically untrue about woodchucks.
Did you know that the Joy of Cooking actually contains directions on how to cook woodchucks and muskrats? It's true. Apparently, with muskrats, the first thing you have to do is remove their anal glands. Eww. People around here eat squirrels, too.
Now Lorraine, I'm sorry, but you're talking to a rodent boy himself! I'll have to do some more research, but I'm sure they are different animals. I'll post more when I find it. In the meantime, stay warm and don't play too much golf.
Dear Squirrel Boy: Did you know ground hogs can climb up trees? Well, they can. What I want to know is, can they climb down?
Dear Anonymous,
No, it is a proven scientific fact that once a groundhog climbs a tree they cannot climb back down. This is due to a small gland (known as the yacannagobackdown gland) near their hypothalamus that secretes a hormone that tells them that their current altitude, whatever that may be, is optimal. This accounts for the hundreds, even thousands, of dead groundhogs that we see in trees as we walk through parks and such.
Thanks for your question.
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