New Year Resolutions
Well, another new year has arrived, kicking the old year down into the cellar, telling it to stay there. So, it must be time for some resolutions.
Since I don't ordinarily seem to be able to keep my normal resolutions (drink less beer, stay out of seedy bars, use the internet only for noble purposes, etc.) I thought I should make some resolutions that I can keep. To wit:
I hereby resolve to:
1) Be kind to midgets, should I ever meet any.
2) Not lick the tires of my car, no matter how tempted I may be.
3) Eat more fried pig fat.
4) Drink as much beer as makes me feel good, and then have more.
5) Have just a wee bit more beer.
6) Never, under any circumstances, eat angel food cake.
7) Not make fun of Republicans, unless they do something even more silly than normal.
8) Play as much golf as time and money allow.
9) Have just a tiny smidgen more beer.
10) Drink coffee, and plenty of it.
11) Not watch any Tom Cruise or Jim Carrey* movies.
12) Spend more money on gadgets and electronic equipment.
13) Buy an Ipod (see resolution #12)
14) Avoid going to churches that are recognized by those that organize them.
15) Let my laundry pile up.
16) Not put away shoes unless company is coming over.
17) Be nice to my friends (If I ever get some).
18) Refrain from putting on diapers filled with cottage cheese and riding my tricycle in the house.
19) Avoid eating marmots.
20) Not paint my ceiling with images from the Sistine chapel.
21) Not intentionally cut off any of my toes or fingers.
22) Take as much time off of work as practical without getting fired.
23) Appreciate naked women.
24) Not use my cell phone ever, but continue to pay a monthly fee for the freedom it brings me.
25) Not stick my head in a bucket of marmalade.
26) Continue to be afraid of heights greater than two feet.
27) Snore loudly and often when sleeping.
28) Pass wind when convenient and time allows.
29) Avoid dusting.
30) Not scratch anyone's noggin unless they ask me to.
There. I think 30 resolutions should get me through, at least for the first week or two. I may have to make monthly resolutions, rather than annual, just so I can keep up.
*Thanks to Lorraine for teaching me how to spell "Carrey" correctly.
Since I don't ordinarily seem to be able to keep my normal resolutions (drink less beer, stay out of seedy bars, use the internet only for noble purposes, etc.) I thought I should make some resolutions that I can keep. To wit:
I hereby resolve to:
1) Be kind to midgets, should I ever meet any.
2) Not lick the tires of my car, no matter how tempted I may be.
3) Eat more fried pig fat.
4) Drink as much beer as makes me feel good, and then have more.
5) Have just a wee bit more beer.
6) Never, under any circumstances, eat angel food cake.
7) Not make fun of Republicans, unless they do something even more silly than normal.
8) Play as much golf as time and money allow.
9) Have just a tiny smidgen more beer.
10) Drink coffee, and plenty of it.
11) Not watch any Tom Cruise or Jim Carrey* movies.
12) Spend more money on gadgets and electronic equipment.
13) Buy an Ipod (see resolution #12)
14) Avoid going to churches that are recognized by those that organize them.
15) Let my laundry pile up.
16) Not put away shoes unless company is coming over.
17) Be nice to my friends (If I ever get some).
18) Refrain from putting on diapers filled with cottage cheese and riding my tricycle in the house.
19) Avoid eating marmots.
20) Not paint my ceiling with images from the Sistine chapel.
21) Not intentionally cut off any of my toes or fingers.
22) Take as much time off of work as practical without getting fired.
23) Appreciate naked women.
24) Not use my cell phone ever, but continue to pay a monthly fee for the freedom it brings me.
25) Not stick my head in a bucket of marmalade.
26) Continue to be afraid of heights greater than two feet.
27) Snore loudly and often when sleeping.
28) Pass wind when convenient and time allows.
29) Avoid dusting.
30) Not scratch anyone's noggin unless they ask me to.
There. I think 30 resolutions should get me through, at least for the first week or two. I may have to make monthly resolutions, rather than annual, just so I can keep up.
*Thanks to Lorraine for teaching me how to spell "Carrey" correctly.
posted by Some Guy at 3:43 PM
10 Comments:
I don't see you having any problems keeping those resolutions, although if you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine, than you'll have to break the Jim Carrey resolution just for that one. As to the others, well, I'm sorry you'll no longer be putting cottage cheese in your diapers, but I'm sure you'll come up with a another whey to do it.
Another whey to do it? Oy!
My humour can be rather curdish.
Curdish??? OH CHEESE!!!!
You guys sure can "String" along a comment. kb
*L* No string cheese here, senor!
It's the ultimate fromage to a post--a long string of comments.
Oh, my! It's getting awfully ripe in here!
Edam it! Brie it on! I can't camembert it any longer. I'm giving up on the cheese jokes.
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