Mimi

Santa Interview

OK, so I made this up...but it could be real:
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Santa on eggnog (from a 2005 Rolling Stone interview):

Yeah, it's great. I love it. I'm lactose intolerant so it really helps when I can rip a good one to shoot me back up the chimney. Hey, you got any brandy? I haven't had a drink in days and my cheeks are losing their glow.

Thanks. ahh...this is good stuff! Did I deliver this to you last year? Because if I did, I made a big mistake. I should have switched it out for an IPod and kept it for myself. Those things are killing me. Every little brat on the planet wants a GD IPod. 40 years ago it was Barbies or a wagon or something my elves could actually MAKE! You get what I'm saying?

Hit me once more....this is good stuff. AHH. Oh, yeah.

Anyways, those little elves can't make half the crap I'm expected to deliver these days. I need frigging engineers to make this stuff. In the old days it was wooden toys and dolls. You show me an elf that can make a GPS unit and I'll show you an elf that demands 100K at LEAST per year, plus time off and benefits. I've outsourced half of my production to China and most of my letter processing goes to Bangalore.

One more... AHH thanks. That hits the spot. Not like the eggnog that Mrs. Claus makes. She's such a puritan. AND she objects to my relationships with those eight tiny reindeer. She's not open minded at all. I told her once, honey, I'll make you a deal. I'll get rid of the reindeer and replace them with eight open minded Swedish girls who can fly. You OK with that? She didn't speak to me for a month, and TRUST me, I was happy with that.

Hey, hit me again.

You know, I like the way you dress. Nice tie. HOLD ON! I'm not hitting on you! One thing: Santa is NOT light in the loafers, just understand that. I'm just fashion conscious. Like I wear red because it brings out the red in my cheeks. I started out with orange. WHO IN THE WORLD can carry off wearing orange? Not this fat elf, that's for sure. I recently switched to Cole Haan boots because they really make a statement. Not that anybody sees me, but you have to be prepared in case little Suzy (who might not be so little...get my drift?) spies me stepping out from the chimney and needs a little extra special present...

Do you think I'm not thirsty or something?? Give it up, Mr. fashion plate. AAHHH....thanks.

And speaking of children, not that you were, but why in the F*** do they always leave milk and cookies for me? Don't they realize I have type two diabetes and it could kill me if I ate that S***? They want their next Christmas presents to be delivered by who? Sammy Hagar? I don't THINK so! Hang on..cell phone. [minutes pass] Sorry about that. It was Rudolph. He wants to know if I'm going to make his nose glow so bright when I get home! I told him to keep his pants on, and he doesn't have pants -- I don't think he's gonna speak to me for weeks or lead my sleigh this year, but what the hell. He's not the only reindeer that can have a red nose. Does he think I haven't heard of SPRAY PAINT!? Geezus.

One more and I'm outta here. AAAH, thanks.

Anyway, before I go, you want anything for Christmas? You've been a good listener.

Oh. Another friggin IPod. Why don't you just write to Steve Jobs instead? Maybe he'll get you one and give you some tips on how to at least coordinate your belt with your shoes. Not that I noticed. Merry Christmas.

[editor's note: Santa was later arrested by the Maricopa County Sheriff's department for driving a sleigh under the influence. Upon posting bond he was released under his own recognizance based on previous good behavior.]